I am SO sorry for not writing anything for the past 2 months!
Been so busy with school, church and friends, i totally let this one slide!
But i promise i'll update alot in the upcoming weeks!
Right now I'm finishing up 2 last papers for school. Both should be done early next week. (hopefull tuesday)
Then I'm officially done for the summer. No school till september.
I have quite some plans for the summer.
Next week (27th) I'm going back to Portugal!
A well deserved vacation! But of course it's more than just a vacation. Going back to my 'portuguese family' and my lovely kids at Lar Evangélico Português! I really can't wait to wrap my arms around those kids again!
Lots of things have changed since last time we were there in November of '08 so i'm really curious to see how things are working out!
I'll keep you updated on our adventures!
I'll be back July 12th and hopefull i can start working some more then. I could use some extra money to actually do the things i planned!
Besides some day trips to the beach and who knows where we decide to go, I'm planning on going to Texel again in August. I went there with Renée last year, and had lots of fun. This year I'm taking 3 of my dearest friends! Just for a few days, but that's long enough for lots lots lots of laughter and joy!
Then at Augut 29th we'll have our anual church camp! Exciting! I'm really looking forward to that!
Will be on exhausting week, but so so so worth it! It's great to be able to teach the kids more of God!
Well this was my quick update on my plans for the summer.
Make sure to check back regularly in the next few weeks to find out about all out great adentures in Portugal!
Love,
Deb
donderdag 18 juni 2009
maandag 13 april 2009
See His Love
This past weekend was the Easter weekend. What does easter mean for you? I'm curious..
Last week we had a biblestudy with our homegroup from church and we were talking about this same thing. We all know what Easter means, but what does it mean for you personally?
On Good Friday we remember how Jesus died for our sins. He, the innocent man without any sin, died on the cross for OUR sins. Because of that, our sins are forgiven.
But that's not where it ended.. Yes Jesus died.. but 3 days later HE ROSE AGAIN.
And because of that, our sins are not just forgiven, we also have enternal life with him. He conquered death. In Him, we are conquerors.
Now here's a questions.. Do you live your daily life as a conqueror?
Someone that has eternal life because of His unfailing love. Someone that doesn't have to be afraid, because of what He has done for us?
This is a life changing experience!
I just want to share some verses with you and a song, and I'm curious to hear your answers to the questions: What does Easter mean to you and do you live your daily life as a conqueror?
16The soldiers led Jesus away into the palace (that is, the Praetorium) and called together the whole company of soldiers. 17They put a purple robe on him, then twisted together a crown of thorns and set it on him. 18And they began to call out to him, "Hail, king of the Jews!" 19Again and again they struck him on the head with a staff and spit on him. Falling on their knees, they paid homage to him. 20And when they had mocked him, they took off the purple robe and put his own clothes on him. Then they led him out to crucify him.
The Crucifixion 21A certain man from Cyrene, Simon, the father of Alexander and Rufus, was passing by on his way in from the country, and they forced him to carry the cross. 22They brought Jesus to the place called Golgotha (which means The Place of the Skull). 23Then they offered him wine mixed with myrrh, but he did not take it. 24And they crucified him. Dividing up his clothes, they cast lots to see what each would get.
25It was the third hour when they crucified him. 26The written notice of the charge against him read: THE KING OF THE JEWS. 27They crucified two robbers with him, one on his right and one on his left.[a] 29Those who passed by hurled insults at him, shaking their heads and saying, "So! You who are going to destroy the temple and build it in three days, 30come down from the cross and save yourself!"
31In the same way the chief priests and the teachers of the law mocked him among themselves. "He saved others," they said, "but he can't save himself! 32Let this Christ,[b] this King of Israel, come down now from the cross, that we may see and believe." Those crucified with him also heaped insults on him.
The Death of Jesus 33At the sixth hour darkness came over the whole land until the ninth hour. 34And at the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?"—which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"[c]
35When some of those standing near heard this, they said, "Listen, he's calling Elijah."
36One man ran, filled a sponge with wine vinegar, put it on a stick, and offered it to Jesus to drink. "Now leave him alone. Let's see if Elijah comes to take him down," he said.
37With a loud cry, Jesus breathed his last.
38The curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. 39And when the centurion, who stood there in front of Jesus, heard his cry and[d] saw how he died, he said, "Surely this man was the Son[e] of God!"
40Some women were watching from a distance. Among them were Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James the younger and of Joses, and Salome. 41In Galilee these women had followed him and cared for his needs. Many other women who had come up with him to Jerusalem were also there. (Mark 15:16-41)
---
1Early on the first day of the week, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene went to the tomb and saw that the stone had been removed from the entrance. 2So she came running to Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one Jesus loved, and said, "They have taken the Lord out of the tomb, and we don't know where they have put him!"
3So Peter and the other disciple started for the tomb. 4Both were running, but the other disciple outran Peter and reached the tomb first. 5He bent over and looked in at the strips of linen lying there but did not go in. 6Then Simon Peter, who was behind him, arrived and went into the tomb. He saw the strips of linen lying there, 7as well as the burial cloth that had been around Jesus' head. The cloth was folded up by itself, separate from the linen. 8Finally the other disciple, who had reached the tomb first, also went inside. He saw and believed. 9(They still did not understand from Scripture that Jesus had to rise from the dead.)
Jesus Appears to Mary Magdalene 10Then the disciples went back to their homes, 11but Mary stood outside the tomb crying. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb 12and saw two angels in white, seated where Jesus' body had been, one at the head and the other at the foot.
13They asked her, "Woman, why are you crying?"
"They have taken my Lord away," she said, "and I don't know where they have put him." 14At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus.
15"Woman," he said, "why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?" Thinking he was the gardener, she said, "Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him."
16Jesus said to her, "Mary." She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, "Rabboni!" (which means Teacher).
17Jesus said, "Do not hold on to me, for I have not yet returned to the Father. Go instead to my brothers and tell them, 'I am returning to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.' "
18Mary Magdalene went to the disciples with the news: "I have seen the Lord!" And she told them that he had said these things to her. (John 20:1-18)
---
17When I saw him, I fell at his feet as though dead. Then he placed his right hand on me and said: "Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last. 18I am the Living One; I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and Hades. (Revelations 1:17-18)
---
See His love nailed onto a cross
Perfect and blameless life given as sacrifice
See Him there all in the name of love
Broken yet glorious, all for the sake of us
This is Jesus in His glory
King of Heaven dying for me
It is finished, He has done it
Death is beaten, Heaven beckons me
Greater love no one could ever show
Mercy so undeserved,
freedom I should not know
All my sin, all of my hidden shame
Died with Him on the cross, eternity won for us
Such love, such love
Such love is this for me
Last week we had a biblestudy with our homegroup from church and we were talking about this same thing. We all know what Easter means, but what does it mean for you personally?
On Good Friday we remember how Jesus died for our sins. He, the innocent man without any sin, died on the cross for OUR sins. Because of that, our sins are forgiven.
But that's not where it ended.. Yes Jesus died.. but 3 days later HE ROSE AGAIN.
And because of that, our sins are not just forgiven, we also have enternal life with him. He conquered death. In Him, we are conquerors.
Now here's a questions.. Do you live your daily life as a conqueror?
Someone that has eternal life because of His unfailing love. Someone that doesn't have to be afraid, because of what He has done for us?
This is a life changing experience!
I just want to share some verses with you and a song, and I'm curious to hear your answers to the questions: What does Easter mean to you and do you live your daily life as a conqueror?
16The soldiers led Jesus away into the palace (that is, the Praetorium) and called together the whole company of soldiers. 17They put a purple robe on him, then twisted together a crown of thorns and set it on him. 18And they began to call out to him, "Hail, king of the Jews!" 19Again and again they struck him on the head with a staff and spit on him. Falling on their knees, they paid homage to him. 20And when they had mocked him, they took off the purple robe and put his own clothes on him. Then they led him out to crucify him.
The Crucifixion 21A certain man from Cyrene, Simon, the father of Alexander and Rufus, was passing by on his way in from the country, and they forced him to carry the cross. 22They brought Jesus to the place called Golgotha (which means The Place of the Skull). 23Then they offered him wine mixed with myrrh, but he did not take it. 24And they crucified him. Dividing up his clothes, they cast lots to see what each would get.
25It was the third hour when they crucified him. 26The written notice of the charge against him read: THE KING OF THE JEWS. 27They crucified two robbers with him, one on his right and one on his left.[a] 29Those who passed by hurled insults at him, shaking their heads and saying, "So! You who are going to destroy the temple and build it in three days, 30come down from the cross and save yourself!"
31In the same way the chief priests and the teachers of the law mocked him among themselves. "He saved others," they said, "but he can't save himself! 32Let this Christ,[b] this King of Israel, come down now from the cross, that we may see and believe." Those crucified with him also heaped insults on him.
The Death of Jesus 33At the sixth hour darkness came over the whole land until the ninth hour. 34And at the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?"—which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"[c]
35When some of those standing near heard this, they said, "Listen, he's calling Elijah."
36One man ran, filled a sponge with wine vinegar, put it on a stick, and offered it to Jesus to drink. "Now leave him alone. Let's see if Elijah comes to take him down," he said.
37With a loud cry, Jesus breathed his last.
38The curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. 39And when the centurion, who stood there in front of Jesus, heard his cry and[d] saw how he died, he said, "Surely this man was the Son[e] of God!"
40Some women were watching from a distance. Among them were Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James the younger and of Joses, and Salome. 41In Galilee these women had followed him and cared for his needs. Many other women who had come up with him to Jerusalem were also there. (Mark 15:16-41)
---
1Early on the first day of the week, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene went to the tomb and saw that the stone had been removed from the entrance. 2So she came running to Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one Jesus loved, and said, "They have taken the Lord out of the tomb, and we don't know where they have put him!"
3So Peter and the other disciple started for the tomb. 4Both were running, but the other disciple outran Peter and reached the tomb first. 5He bent over and looked in at the strips of linen lying there but did not go in. 6Then Simon Peter, who was behind him, arrived and went into the tomb. He saw the strips of linen lying there, 7as well as the burial cloth that had been around Jesus' head. The cloth was folded up by itself, separate from the linen. 8Finally the other disciple, who had reached the tomb first, also went inside. He saw and believed. 9(They still did not understand from Scripture that Jesus had to rise from the dead.)
Jesus Appears to Mary Magdalene 10Then the disciples went back to their homes, 11but Mary stood outside the tomb crying. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb 12and saw two angels in white, seated where Jesus' body had been, one at the head and the other at the foot.
13They asked her, "Woman, why are you crying?"
"They have taken my Lord away," she said, "and I don't know where they have put him." 14At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus.
15"Woman," he said, "why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?" Thinking he was the gardener, she said, "Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him."
16Jesus said to her, "Mary." She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, "Rabboni!" (which means Teacher).
17Jesus said, "Do not hold on to me, for I have not yet returned to the Father. Go instead to my brothers and tell them, 'I am returning to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.' "
18Mary Magdalene went to the disciples with the news: "I have seen the Lord!" And she told them that he had said these things to her. (John 20:1-18)
---
17When I saw him, I fell at his feet as though dead. Then he placed his right hand on me and said: "Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last. 18I am the Living One; I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and Hades. (Revelations 1:17-18)
---
See His love nailed onto a cross
Perfect and blameless life given as sacrifice
See Him there all in the name of love
Broken yet glorious, all for the sake of us
This is Jesus in His glory
King of Heaven dying for me
It is finished, He has done it
Death is beaten, Heaven beckons me
Greater love no one could ever show
Mercy so undeserved,
freedom I should not know
All my sin, all of my hidden shame
Died with Him on the cross, eternity won for us
Such love, such love
Such love is this for me
zaterdag 21 maart 2009
The Adventures of a saturday afternoon!
Did you know...
... A coffee at Jorien's place doesn't always turn out to be coffee..? today we have smoothies instead!
... traffic in Eindhoven can be quite a challenge..? i believe it was working against us today on our way to the Fontys Campus.
... the distance between the fontys/ TU campus and down town was a little longer that I thought?! it's a maze.. really...
... McD's in Eindhoven can be veeeery slow? Jorien had to wait 20 minutes for her burger.
... I always eat a Quarter Pounder at McD's? Guess what i had today ;)
... running shoes can be very expensive? O_o
... I can't find new sport pants!? help meee!
... we almost bought new sunglasses? some were actually kinda cool.. but we didn't find IT..
... we didn't have time to sit down for a drink in the sun cause we walked so much?!
... there was a note with 'One person only' on the door of the toilets? that made me laugh so hard.
... that place was very hygienic?
... we took the bus back to car.
... Jorien and I love to play Skillet VERY loud in the car. (and we're about the only ones of our friends that like skillet)
... I have no clue what else to write here..?
... so I'm done?!
... A coffee at Jorien's place doesn't always turn out to be coffee..? today we have smoothies instead!
... traffic in Eindhoven can be quite a challenge..? i believe it was working against us today on our way to the Fontys Campus.
... the distance between the fontys/ TU campus and down town was a little longer that I thought?! it's a maze.. really...
... McD's in Eindhoven can be veeeery slow? Jorien had to wait 20 minutes for her burger.
... I always eat a Quarter Pounder at McD's? Guess what i had today ;)
... running shoes can be very expensive? O_o
... I can't find new sport pants!? help meee!
... we almost bought new sunglasses? some were actually kinda cool.. but we didn't find IT..
... we didn't have time to sit down for a drink in the sun cause we walked so much?!
... there was a note with 'One person only' on the door of the toilets? that made me laugh so hard.
... that place was very hygienic?
... we took the bus back to car.
... Jorien and I love to play Skillet VERY loud in the car. (and we're about the only ones of our friends that like skillet)
... I have no clue what else to write here..?
... so I'm done?!
woensdag 11 maart 2009
You Will Survive
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Happiness does not mean living without pain or hurt—not at all. True happiness is learning how to live one day at a time, in spite of sorrow and pain. It is learning how to rejoice in the Lord, no matter what has happened in the past.
You may feel rejected and abandoned. Your faith may be weak and you think you are down for the count. Sorrow, tears, pain, and emptiness may swallow you up at times, but God is still on the throne. He is still God!
Convince yourself that you will survive. You will come out of it and, live or die, you belong to the Lord. Life does go on and it will surprise you how much you can bear with God’s help.
You cannot help yourself or stop the pain, but our blessed Lord will come to you. He will place his loving hand under you and lift you up to sit again in heavenly places. He will deliver you from the fear of dying and he will reveal his endless love for you.
Look up! Encourage yourself in the Lord. When the fog surrounds you and you can’t see any way out of your dilemma, lie back in the arms of Jesus and simply trust him. He has to do it all! He wants your faith and your confidence. He wants you to cry aloud, “Jesus loves me! He is with me! He will not fail me! He is working it all out, right now! I will not be cast down! I will not be defeated! I will not be a victim of Satan! I will not lose my mind or my direction. God is on my side! I love him and he loves me!”
The bottom line is faith. And faith rests on this one absolute: “No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper…” (Isaiah 54:17).
by David Wilkerson
Happiness does not mean living without pain or hurt—not at all. True happiness is learning how to live one day at a time, in spite of sorrow and pain. It is learning how to rejoice in the Lord, no matter what has happened in the past.
You may feel rejected and abandoned. Your faith may be weak and you think you are down for the count. Sorrow, tears, pain, and emptiness may swallow you up at times, but God is still on the throne. He is still God!
Convince yourself that you will survive. You will come out of it and, live or die, you belong to the Lord. Life does go on and it will surprise you how much you can bear with God’s help.
You cannot help yourself or stop the pain, but our blessed Lord will come to you. He will place his loving hand under you and lift you up to sit again in heavenly places. He will deliver you from the fear of dying and he will reveal his endless love for you.
Look up! Encourage yourself in the Lord. When the fog surrounds you and you can’t see any way out of your dilemma, lie back in the arms of Jesus and simply trust him. He has to do it all! He wants your faith and your confidence. He wants you to cry aloud, “Jesus loves me! He is with me! He will not fail me! He is working it all out, right now! I will not be cast down! I will not be defeated! I will not be a victim of Satan! I will not lose my mind or my direction. God is on my side! I love him and he loves me!”
The bottom line is faith. And faith rests on this one absolute: “No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper…” (Isaiah 54:17).
by David Wilkerson
dinsdag 3 maart 2009
The Thief
Your eyes are full,
full of the future of us
The air changes as you look across
at me in that wondering way
It is as if
I knew you before we spoke
Do our hearts know something we don't?
Conspiring, converging
without giving us any say
You sing me to sleep,
talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to
You're ruining me
with secrets and gestures and looks
With sonnets and second-hand books
Playing the chords in me
nobody knew how to play
You sing me to sleep,
talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to
It fits in your hand like the water in rain
It unlocks our two different selves
and shows we are the same
Rather than wait 'til I
put me out for the taking
You're breaking
You're breaking into my heart
and I'm letting you
Your eyes are full,
full of the future of us
full of the future of us
The air changes as you look across
at me in that wondering way
It is as if
I knew you before we spoke
Do our hearts know something we don't?
Conspiring, converging
without giving us any say
You sing me to sleep,
talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to
You're ruining me
with secrets and gestures and looks
With sonnets and second-hand books
Playing the chords in me
nobody knew how to play
You sing me to sleep,
talk down my walls
Look through my windows as I wait
You could be the thief
I give the key to
It fits in your hand like the water in rain
It unlocks our two different selves
and shows we are the same
Rather than wait 'til I
put me out for the taking
You're breaking
You're breaking into my heart
and I'm letting you
Your eyes are full,
full of the future of us
vrijdag 27 februari 2009
The Wonderful Everlife
Just wanted to share this wonderful band with you all!
I had the chance to meet them last september, and booked them for a benefit concert at my church last week.
Gosh.. can i say they are awesome?! Really the sweetest girls!!
And oh they can rock. They performed at my church with their full band.
They have some awesome guys playing with them!
If you get the change to get to see them, I'm telling you.. go!
And you might as well get their new EP! Acoustic rock chicks, with beautiful voices!
Check the video below! Live at Eindhoven!
Have a wonderful weekend!
Deb
I had the chance to meet them last september, and booked them for a benefit concert at my church last week.
Gosh.. can i say they are awesome?! Really the sweetest girls!!
And oh they can rock. They performed at my church with their full band.
They have some awesome guys playing with them!
If you get the change to get to see them, I'm telling you.. go!
And you might as well get their new EP! Acoustic rock chicks, with beautiful voices!
Check the video below! Live at Eindhoven!
Have a wonderful weekend!
Deb
zondag 22 februari 2009
My insecurities
Hello World! :)
It's been way too long since i last wrote a blog! so here I am.
I was thinking about what to write, when i started to look back at all the things that happens these past 6, 7 weeks.
I'd like to share a little bit with you about my insecuritied, and how God has been working in me in the pst weeks.
If you have met me, and you know me a little, you probably noticed I can be insecure about myself, and especially my capabilities.
All the things that happened with school last summer didn't really help, and made me REALLY insecure about my ability to really do what they wanted me to do. I seem to fail time after time, and that put alot of presure on me. When the end of my last internship was coming closer, stress came, presure came. more and more.
Januari wasn't really a great month. it was exhausting really.
Januari 23rd: Due final report intership (this is what i didnt seem to get right.. for some reason it never contained what they wanted to read..) I did my best, personallt handed to my teacher.
Januari 27th: Portfolio Assessment. THE Exam. You can't imagine the work i put into that.
And it all comes down to this 30 minutes. 2 teachers. Asking me aaaall these questions about what i've learned in the past years.
After 30 minutes i had to wait outside so they could decided whether i passed the exam or not.
After a few monutes they congratulated me. I had a score of 90. Which means i passed the exam with the highest possibel score.
That was the first time in a year that i felt like i really did something goog. That I was really able to do it right.
Januari 30th. The day my teachers, me and my supervisor from the internship would come together and talk about my internship, and my final report. The exam from the 27th gave me some more confidence, but that was fast gone when my teacher told me the final report was, once again, not good enough.
BAM! Down to level zero.
I could cry, right there. Maybe i should have. This teacher just broke me down. And i dont think she even realized it. It's not that i cant take negative feedback. It's the fact that this was the 5th time, and only she was complaining about my reports. I didn't get negative feedback on my reports from any other teacher. Just her.
About an hour later i found out why my reports weren't good enough. I just didn't get the right picture of what should be in the report. I've had a wrong picture of her expectations, for 17months.
I got a chance to write the report again,and this time i did it right.
I was so hapy when she finally told me this last report was very good. Finally i could close this part of my study, and move on the the last part. One more year. Gradution Project.
When i look back on that time i can see how negative feedback from this particular teacher broke me down. Little by little. I don't think she realized it, but her way of communicating made me insecure about myself.
It made me insecure about my capabilities.
A few weeks later. Februari 21st. (Yesterday). Benefit Concert.
The big day was here. Today we would have a concert with Nuclear Playground and Everlife, to raise money for the childrens home in Porto, Lar Evangélico Português.
I was very very excited, but a nervous too. Again my insecurity.
I knew i had everything settled, and that i did it right. It just didn't work that day. I started to doubt stupid things like if i had the right dinner and if i had all the stuff we needed (although i checked that like.. a million times already).
I'm sure everyone in the building that day could see how my head was spinning.
When i look back on these two situations, I clearly see God's hand. I see how He placed people around me that got me through all this. People that helped me be more secure. That helped me to be proud of myself.
My dad telling me he's proud of me. My friends telling me i did great.
A friend pointing me to the positive, when i'm too focussed on the negative. Another friend telling me what she admires in me.
All those people, help me to be more secure (and really... God works through the most amazing people...in most amazing ways!)
I don't thik i realized all this till this morning when i was looking back at yesterday and thinking back to everything that has been said by various people that day. I think i was stopped 3 or 4 times by different people, telling me to relax for just a few seconds, and telling me that everything was great.
They stopped me for just a few second, to tell me the 4 most encouraging words, you are doing great.
The million 'thank you's' I've heard after the show almost drove me crazy. I didn't do it for me, if did it for the kids! I seriously told a few people to stop thanking me.
Looking back to all this, this morning i could hear God say: "DEB! Wake up! YOU DID GREAT! Yes, you did it for the kids. But for once.. take the positvie feedback and let it build you up! I chose to use YOU for a reason! Stop being so insecure about yourself. Trust Me. I will make you capable."
Maybe you recognize this. Maybe you are just as insecure as me sometimes.
If this is you.. i want you to know God can do the same things in you as He is doing in me. But you have to let Him. He does amazing things, in amazing ways.
Open your heart for Him. Give Him a chance and some time! You'll be amazed.
Love,
Deborah
It's been way too long since i last wrote a blog! so here I am.
I was thinking about what to write, when i started to look back at all the things that happens these past 6, 7 weeks.
I'd like to share a little bit with you about my insecuritied, and how God has been working in me in the pst weeks.
If you have met me, and you know me a little, you probably noticed I can be insecure about myself, and especially my capabilities.
All the things that happened with school last summer didn't really help, and made me REALLY insecure about my ability to really do what they wanted me to do. I seem to fail time after time, and that put alot of presure on me. When the end of my last internship was coming closer, stress came, presure came. more and more.
Januari wasn't really a great month. it was exhausting really.
Januari 23rd: Due final report intership (this is what i didnt seem to get right.. for some reason it never contained what they wanted to read..) I did my best, personallt handed to my teacher.
Januari 27th: Portfolio Assessment. THE Exam. You can't imagine the work i put into that.
And it all comes down to this 30 minutes. 2 teachers. Asking me aaaall these questions about what i've learned in the past years.
After 30 minutes i had to wait outside so they could decided whether i passed the exam or not.
After a few monutes they congratulated me. I had a score of 90. Which means i passed the exam with the highest possibel score.
That was the first time in a year that i felt like i really did something goog. That I was really able to do it right.
Januari 30th. The day my teachers, me and my supervisor from the internship would come together and talk about my internship, and my final report. The exam from the 27th gave me some more confidence, but that was fast gone when my teacher told me the final report was, once again, not good enough.
BAM! Down to level zero.
I could cry, right there. Maybe i should have. This teacher just broke me down. And i dont think she even realized it. It's not that i cant take negative feedback. It's the fact that this was the 5th time, and only she was complaining about my reports. I didn't get negative feedback on my reports from any other teacher. Just her.
About an hour later i found out why my reports weren't good enough. I just didn't get the right picture of what should be in the report. I've had a wrong picture of her expectations, for 17months.
I got a chance to write the report again,and this time i did it right.
I was so hapy when she finally told me this last report was very good. Finally i could close this part of my study, and move on the the last part. One more year. Gradution Project.
When i look back on that time i can see how negative feedback from this particular teacher broke me down. Little by little. I don't think she realized it, but her way of communicating made me insecure about myself.
It made me insecure about my capabilities.
A few weeks later. Februari 21st. (Yesterday). Benefit Concert.
The big day was here. Today we would have a concert with Nuclear Playground and Everlife, to raise money for the childrens home in Porto, Lar Evangélico Português.
I was very very excited, but a nervous too. Again my insecurity.
I knew i had everything settled, and that i did it right. It just didn't work that day. I started to doubt stupid things like if i had the right dinner and if i had all the stuff we needed (although i checked that like.. a million times already).
I'm sure everyone in the building that day could see how my head was spinning.
When i look back on these two situations, I clearly see God's hand. I see how He placed people around me that got me through all this. People that helped me be more secure. That helped me to be proud of myself.
My dad telling me he's proud of me. My friends telling me i did great.
A friend pointing me to the positive, when i'm too focussed on the negative. Another friend telling me what she admires in me.
All those people, help me to be more secure (and really... God works through the most amazing people...in most amazing ways!)
I don't thik i realized all this till this morning when i was looking back at yesterday and thinking back to everything that has been said by various people that day. I think i was stopped 3 or 4 times by different people, telling me to relax for just a few seconds, and telling me that everything was great.
They stopped me for just a few second, to tell me the 4 most encouraging words, you are doing great.
The million 'thank you's' I've heard after the show almost drove me crazy. I didn't do it for me, if did it for the kids! I seriously told a few people to stop thanking me.
Looking back to all this, this morning i could hear God say: "DEB! Wake up! YOU DID GREAT! Yes, you did it for the kids. But for once.. take the positvie feedback and let it build you up! I chose to use YOU for a reason! Stop being so insecure about yourself. Trust Me. I will make you capable."
Maybe you recognize this. Maybe you are just as insecure as me sometimes.
If this is you.. i want you to know God can do the same things in you as He is doing in me. But you have to let Him. He does amazing things, in amazing ways.
Open your heart for Him. Give Him a chance and some time! You'll be amazed.
Love,
Deborah
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